


The Way We Fell

by trxiedelano



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Multi, Panic Attacks, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-02-08 13:17:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12865302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trxiedelano/pseuds/trxiedelano
Summary: When Roy is awoken to a hectic call at 4am, his world is thrown upside down as he tries to decipher the final months of his best friends life.Past readers of this fic- I have MAJORLY edited this so if you haven't read it from the start before the 16th Dec, I recommend going back and reading it all again, I've added details in it and more context to certain things to make it more enjoyable for y'all.





	1. Chapter 1

The call came at 4am. Roy rose weakly, rubbing sleep from his weary eyes. A hectic Australian voice came through the speaker, thick with tears and frantically trying to form words.

"Roy, it-it's Danny."

\------

The bus sat in the parking lot, tired looking queens with smears of makeup remaining milled around. As Adore approached back with his coffee, he thought about how little he belonged with them all. Everyone seemed to fit into a group. Pearl, Fame and Violet were the pretty girls, huddling round and whispering like grade school bullies. Katya and Alaska seemed happy enough laughing and joking as Katya contorted herself on the tarmac, shouting foreign profanities in her thick Russian accent and Alaska laughing carelessly, the mid morning sun casting an angelic glow over her fresh face. The rest of the queens, including early winners Jinkx and Sharon, had some sort of pact, standing in a group which wasn't open to the outside world. Then there was Adore. They wouldn't be collecting Courtney for another four cities. For now, Adore sat on the curb, sipping Starbucks and milling in his thoughts. 

'The bus could leave right now with me sat right here, and nobody would notice,' he thought. This tour was the chance he wanted, needed, to prove he fitted. The voice was still for now.

\-----

Adore sat on his bunk, picking at his nails, a nervous habit he'd vowed to kick yet always fell back into subconsciously. He was the only queen from his season, until Courtney joined on the tour, and he hated it. Nobody paid any attention to him, not even  acknowledging that they hadn't in fact left him behind in LA. Michelle was right, he thought. My outfits aren't good enough. I'm not cinched enough. I'm a messy queen. I don't belong with them. He shook his head violently, disappointed those thoughts had even managed to creep in.

Since his season, he'd adopted a very chill attitude, pretending not to care about fitting in. But in reality, he'd kill for Violet's waist, Katya's humour, Fame's makeup skills. He'd give his left arm to be able to take a glittered gown and make it look effortlessly beautiful.

\-----

"Courtney, you're making no sense- right, slow down. I'll be there in five"

\------

Adore felt the weight of his bunk shift slightly. He looked up to see Fame. She had a friendly smile on her face and Adore realised this is the first time they'd really interacted.

"Hey!" Adore was a little taken aback to be actually acknowledged.

"Hey, you're Fame right?"

"Yeah, that's me! Everything okay?" Adore looked at his hands, noticing the raw and angry scratch marks he'd left. He quickly sat on his palms, smiling up at the queen beside him.  
"Yup, yeah, everything's cool." Fame raised an eyebrow at this.

"Could've fooled me" She placed a hand on Adores back, aiming to provide some comfort, completely misinterpreting Adore.

"Don't be worried about this tour. I know theres a lot of queens and a lot of cities, but we'll make it" She smiled, before pushing herself off the bunk. Adore sighed. The performance didn't scare her, she'd been performing her whole life. The idea of being here, with no vices, no escape, no ducking out. That scared her.


	2. Chapter 2

The bus pulled up outside of the hotel and the queens piled out. Violet was first out, her hand in Pearl's. She lay a light kiss on the sleepy queens cheek. Violet wrapped an arm round Pearls waist, happy to be off the humid bus. The rest of the queens followed, with shouts of relief and cheers lighting up the exhausted group. Katya, being Katya, decided to handstand off the bus.

"Girl how the fuck do you not break a hip?" Sharon smirked as she threw the lighthearted comment to the flexible Russian.

"Not all of us are fucking old, Barbara." She landed on her feet again, flashing a bright white smile to the gothic queen.

Adore was last off, finding herself alone again. She stretched, approaching the group which had congregated by default. The California sun was high up above them now and it burnt the back of Adores neck. 

\-----

Roy pulled to a halt outside the hospital. Not minding his parking, he tore open the door of the car, seeing Courtney stood outside. She was ghostly pale, trembling from head to toe.

\-----

Adore flopped onto her bed, leaving her suitcase strewn. The door clicked open lightly. With a slight bump, Katya wheeled her case into the room.  
"Hey Adore! I'm with you til Courtney and Trixie join the tour" Adore smiled a little

"You better not fucking snore" Adores eyes lit up and she watched as Katya flopped onto the bed beside her.

"Like. A. Jet engine." She laughed before fake snoring a few times. "See? I both look and sound like real Russian hog. " She said the latter in her exaggerated Russian tone, running a hand through her sun bleached blonde hair.

"Great. Least I know whose face to put the pillow over first." Adore rolled her eyes jokingly, laughing as Katya threw a soft white pillow at her. It gently hit Adore square in the face and she pretended to be offended and injured.

"Oh shit man, RedBull gives you wings and cigarettes make you the Hulk." She threw the pillow back to the blonde opposite, watching her dodge it, matrix style. She turned to the other side of the room, to her two suitcases and vast quantity of makeup and wigs. She squinted at the California sun filing through the blinds, casting a homely warmth over the room.

\-----

Roy wrapped his arms around Courtney, who was shaking violently. He was unsure whether it was the cold or the shock but draped his jacket round her shoulders anyway. She was still in drag, still glittered up but her mascara trailed down her face in sorrowful trails.

\------

"So how's the tour for you so far?" Adore shot the question to the mock Russian beside her.

"Um.. It's pretty great, I love performing and it'll be even better with all you guys" Adore smiled again, watching as Katya applied her signature red lips. 

"What about you?" Adore sighed, unsure whether to lie or express her true feelings.

"It's cool." Katya noted the uncertain tone in the young queens voice, but thought not to question it.

"Good, good." Adore pouted in the mirror, reaching for a pot of silver glitter.

"I'm probably gonna fuck up, I can't dance for shit." Katya smiled a little at that.

"When in doubt, pound your vagina into the floor so hard the building shakes?" Adore rolled her eyes jokingly, sliding bobby pins into her mass of dark hair.

"Oh, sure, like I could pull that off without literally snapping a limb off" She laughed a little at her own joke, spitting a bobby pin onto the vanity. Katya pulled on her wig cap, putting on her signature jokey voice.

"I pull it off and Im a grandmom" 

Adore pulled her mermaid blue wig off its Styrofoam head, turning back to Katya.

"Yeah, but you're a whore, you spread your legs on the daily." Katya swatted Adores arm, her eyes lighting up.

"How dare you accuse me like that, Barbara!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explanation of the situation
> 
> The "tour" is based off BOTS but there's more queens, such as Trixie who didn't make an appearance. This is just so it's easier to show the dynamics between them.
> 
> Love


	3. Chapter 3

The queens filed back into the hotel lobby, chatting and giggling. Suddenly, a silence fell over the group as Violet glared at Adore.

"Clumsy bitch." She spat the words, causing a couple of queens to gasp quietly.

"I'm sorry, okay?" Adore began, only to be cut off by the other queen.

"People paid fucking money to be here and you fucked it up!" 

Pearl gripped Violets hand, trying to calm her down. "Vi, just stop."

"No! You know why? Because she plays the clumsy act all the time, it's not gonna work forever!" Adores eyes darted around, glossing over with tears. The queens took the silence to intervene.

"It was an innocent mistake, Violet." Alaska began. The usually quiet and carefree queen stood up now, considering the soft spot she had for Adore.

"Yeah, she just stumbled on the steps, it's not a crime." Katya defended her temporary roommate, knowing all too well how heart-on-her-sleeve she was. Violet raised her eyebrows, snatching her hand from Pearls grasp and turning to the queens who had spoken out.

"We've been rehearsing for fucking months, there shouldn't BE mistakes!" The burlesque beauty didn't mean to be targeting Adore, her natural perfectionism kicking in. Tears pricked at her eyes and she was unsure if they were angry, upset or scared but she swallowed them away all the same.

"Violet, just leave it for fucks sake." Sharon crossed her arms, giving a little eyeroll towards the cinched queen opposite. 

The other queens should've known that Violet, being such a perfectionist, would have something to say. The focus was no longer on Adore, the queens all arguing between themselves now. She took this as an opportunity to run. She felt as though she was suffocating on Violets words. Backing towards the lobby doors, she threw herself against them, the cold air hitting her all at once as she slipped outside, her lungs heavy, feeling as though they were stuffed full of cement.

\-----

Roy placed the steaming cup of tea onto the table, in front of Courtney, watching as the heartbroken queen pulled her normally bouncy blonde wig from her head, letting it droop over the back of the sofa. Roy sipped from his steaming mug. The soft lights of the apartment were dimmed, since it was 5am and the sun hadn't yet begun to appear and cast its soft orange glow. Courtney leant forwards in her seat, leaning elbows on her thighs. In this light, her shiny silver holographic leotard was dulled and sad, a solemn metaphor for its wearer. Courtney looked to the floor and Roy could see she was trembling. He feared the silence was hurting her and searched for words to break it.

"You can shower here tonight if you need. And if you wanna stay here for a bit, I-" 

His voice broke a little as he ended the sentence. He didn't need to say why Courtney wouldn't want to go back to her apartment. 

The apartment now with one less resident. The apartment she'd entered just hours ago. The apartment she'd thrown her keys haphazardly down in. The apartment with the light hazing through from the bathroom door. The apartment that strangely wasn't filled with Adores tiny snores, or even her breath as she slept away a nights drinking. That apartment.

"I understand why you wouldn't wanna go home yet." Courtney nodded slowly. She leant forwards, cupping her hands round the mug.

"Chamomile. You need it." Roy smiled weakly at Courtney as she sipped the mug. The tea itself wasn't disgusting tasting- in fact the opposite- Roy had a way of brewing it just right, Courtney could normally drink cup after cup of Roy's tea. But tonight she forced it down, tears pricking at her eyes again.

\-----

"C'mon, pick up!" The phone switched to voicemail and Adore slid down the wall, head in her hands, her chest heaving with sobs. She tried desperately to slow her frantic heart, deepening her breath, taking in as much Arizona air as her lungs would physically allow. Her cheery ringtone suddenly echoed, loud and clear in the silent night and Adore scrambled to answer it.

"What's up?" Bianca's voice brought a flood of relief to her, yet also a pang of homesickness.

"I wanna come home, B." Adores voice was weak and broke as she spoke. She sniffed and wiped a hand over her tear marked face, smudging away layers of Adore Delano. Danny was making a heartbreaking appearance, sat trembling in the shitty outside light of the hotel.

"Wait, what? Why?" Bianca felt her stomach flip, hearing Adore cry was the one thing she hated most. She felt panic set in - Adore loved performing the most in life and wanting to leave two months of non stop performance meant bad news.

"I fucked up the whole show and now Violets probably in there destroying my whole fucking reputation." 

The entire explanation left in one short and laboured breath and Adore clutched at her chest, the air feeling heavy as she breathed it in.

"Hey, hey. Listen. Breathe, baby. In and out, like I showed you."

Biancas arms ached to be there with Adore, holding her closely- she'd spent many a night sat up from the suns disappearance right up until it came back to throw soft light over LA as it peered over the mountains again, holding Adore in her arms, the younger queen overwhelmed by sudden demons. She never complained or lost her patience, no matter how much Adore panicked, no matter how much cold sweat broke over her brow. Bianca would just run soft hands through her curly mass of dark hair and match their breaths and heartbeats.

But Adore wasn't in LA, wrapped safely in a huge fluffy blanket. She was in Arizona, sat alone in the cold and recalling those nights, trying desperately to calm herself.

"They all love her, B. I don't belong here."

"Tomorrow's show is another show. And Violet fucking Chachki is exactly that. She's just a bitch, do you really think they'll listen to her?" Adore thought for a moment. She stayed silent, hiccuping on her breath.

"Plus, you love performing. You'll regret giving up this opportunity. I promise it.

\-----

Roy entered the living room again, seeing a freshly showered Courtney still sat up, wrapped in blankets yet still shaking. In the slight 6am light peering in through the blinds, she looked gaunt ans ghostly. Approaching the sofa she was nestled on, he gently sat next to her. He placed an arm round her shoulders, watching as she jumped a little. She inhaled deeply, turning her head to face his.

"Roy...I feel like this is my fault." Her voice quivered a little as she grabbed hold of the hand round her shoulders.

"Why the hell would you think that, Court?" He rubbed a thumb over Courtneys fingers, feeling her soft hand shake in his.

"Well I couldn't stop him, because- because I wasn't there." She spat the words out as though she was a criminal making a confession to a jury. 

"Courtney, you can't think that way, or it'll destroy you." He pulled the Aussie closer to him, feeling her relax and nestle against his chest. He adjusted his body gently so he was lying on the sofa, Courtney laying against him. He could feel her body drawing closer and closer to the sleep she so desperately deserved.

\-----

Adore snuck back into the room, her makeup destroyed. She flopped into the bed, letting her arm hang over the edge. She wanted to let everything out, but the breath from the next bed was deep and relaxed. She let out a few sobs before suddenly feeling her small, icy hand being held by a larger and comfortably warm hand.

"You okay?" The voice came from the other bed, slightly asleep but also caring and concerned. 

"No." Adore used the back of her hand to wipe away another tear that had formed.

"I'm sorry about... Violet. She's a perfectionist, you know? Tour stresses us all out." Adore murmured a little bit, sniffing.

"I'm sorry I fucked everything up."

"You didn't, Adore. It's just Violet overreacting like she does. You're a talented queen, you know that?" Katya rubbed a thumb over Adores cold fingers, trying to bring some warmth to them.

"Thanks Katya."

"Anytime."


	4. Chapter 4

"Ugh, look what fucking Adore did!"

 Violet stood in the bathroom, looking over her face, fingers brushing over a large purple bruise on her face. Pearl came in, leaning on the door frame. The bathroom was washed with bright Arizona morning sun and it was pleasantly warm. Pearl ran a hand through her messy blonde hair, making a mental note to visit a barber along the way.

"Babe, she didn't mean it" Pearl attempted to add a bit of reassurance to the situation, immediately regretting it when she saw Violet's eyes glare at her in the mirror.

"Seriously Pearl? She better hope I can cover this shit up or she'll have a matching one" Violet gave a signature eye roll in the mirror before turning to face Pearl, leaning on the sink. Pearl made her way over, putting her hands either side of Violets body, placing a gentle kiss on her lips.

"Bruise or not, you're still so fucking hot." Her hand wandered, squeezing Violets ass and winking as she did so. Violet gasped, biting her lip. Pearl hurriedly kissed her again, her day old stubble slightly scratching against Violets smooth porcelain cheek.

"You've gotten brave haven't you?" Violet raised an eyebrow before taking control, pushing Pearl softly yet commandingly against the wall, kissing her roughly. They made their way to the bed, barely breaking contact. Violet pushed Pearl onto the cool sheets, lifting her shirt. She held Pearl's wrists against the bed, trailing kisses down her stomach, getting lower. Not letting her wrists go, Violet climbed on top of Pearl, grinding into her body. Hungry for more, feeling her erection begin to rub against her skinny jeans, Pearl arched her back, grinding herself against Violet. A sudden knock caused them both to jump.

"We're going to Starbucks," There was a brief pause.

"So get ready, fuckin' lesbians." It was Sharon. Pearls eyes darted up to Violet. She furrowed her brows as Violet shouted back to give them five minutes. Violet clambered off of Pearl, grabbing her jacket from where it lay on the chair.

"Fucking hell, blue balls much." Pearl began to fix her hair, extremely irritated.

"Makes the wait worthwhile then, doesn't it?" Violet advanced to the door, followed by her downhearted love.

\-----

Jinkx and Sharon came back to the table, trays in hand. The queens dove for their drinks and, trying to see which was hers, Violet removed her overly expensive sunglasses, revealing the bruise. She grabbed her tea, blowing into it to cool it off. Katya sniffed her drink over dramatically,  
"Wait, Sharon, you gave me Violets, I smell the drain cleaner from here!" The table erupted into cheerful laughter, Violet throwing death glares to Katya before cracking into a slight smile herself.

Adore had noted the bruise, dropping her head and looking into her latte. She stirred it absentmindedly with the flimsy wooden stick. The hum of conversation filled the room as Adore lost herself in her own thoughts.

The tour moved on tonight- once it did there was no way Adore could just silently leave for home. Bianca had convinced her to stay but there was still something deep inside that made her want to run. Everything seemed to be moving faster than Adore knew.

\-----

Seeing Courtney sleeping now, so peacefully and so beautifully, made Roy feel so much sorrow, mixed in with slight guilt. Her chest moved steadily, her lashes tickling at her cheeks. So much heartbreak and guilt lay behind the eyelids which were now barely flickering in deep sleep. He sat in the armchair across from the sofa, holding his phone but not switching it on or even looking at the blank screen.

He couldn't imagine how it would've been, to walk into the apartment the pair shared together, normally full of the smell of cologne, cheap hairspray and the sounds of punk rock floating through, to eerie silence. The apartment they'd made their own with dreamcatchers and cute vintage rugs, of course scattered with the odd beercan left after Adores songwriting sessions, no matter how much breath Courtney wasted to remind her to throw the damn aluminium cans away.

To find someone they considered a friend, a brother and a sister, lying completely motionless, their thoughts finally still. By choice. Not by someone elses wrongdoing, or by a sudden sabotage by their own body. But by their own hand. Their own heartbreak. Their own mind.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has mentions of self harm (not graphic) in it so just a warning to anyone triggered by that stuff.

Courtney awoke gently, warmed by the noon sun coming through the windows. She was suddenly hit by the overwhelming sadness of last nights event's and found herself beginning to overthink. She rose, making her way to the kitchen.

Roy was already awake, the toaster rested on the side with both slots full of gently toasting bread. He looked up from his phone, seeing Courtney stood at the door. She saw he had Twitter open.

"Did you...?" Courtney hoped he'd get it without her fully vocalising what she meant. Luckily they were some weird telepathic pairing.

"No, I didn't." Courtney approached the cupboard, grabbing a glass before making her way to the fridge, placing the glass under the water dispenser.

"Good. Not yet." She sipped the water, holding the glass in a slightly trembling grasp.

"We have to tell them." Roy stood up, stretching a little, his back cracking satisfyingly from the sleep still lingering in his bones. Courtney shook her head, causing the glass to clink against her pearly teeth.

"I know that - its just.." Her voice wobbled. Vocalising, the idea seemed stupid. She blew out the breath she'd subconsciously held.

"If we dont say it, it doesn't feel true."

\-----

Adore lay alone in her hotel room. Trixie had joined the tour and, to integrate her into tour life, Katya had been placed in a room with her. She looked to the empty bed which was now covered in wigs of blue, red, green, blonde, the entire spectrum. Last nights drag lay discarded beside her bed where she'd kicked it off, unbothered to change properly. Her skin felt itchy and greasy and she didn't even remember washing her face that morning.

The other queens were in the lobby but Adore had faked feeling sick. As she was leaving, Katya had placed a gentle kiss atop her head and it lingered there.

She lifted herself gently from the bed, making her way to the naturally warmly lit bathroom, where all of her makeup was set up neatly, ready for the show ahead. She pulled up one of the cases, flicking out a secret  compartment. Inside lay an evil shard of glinting steel. Adore hated herself to that day for the habit that seemed to haunt her. She'd promised Bianca and Courtney long ago that she'd stop, genuinely meaning it, only for things to get difficult again.

\-----

Throwing down the phone, Courtney brushed his fringe from his face. Tears were threatening in his normally lively blue eyes as he turned back to Roy who was anticipating his words.

"There's nothing. No will, just a note addressed to us two."

His voice broke at this, and Roy felt his heart sink. Courtney flopped onto the sofa next to Roy. She let her head drop onto his shoulder, exhausted, not so much sleep deprived, just fatigued spiritually.

"We'll have to go over there at some point." Courtney shuddered as Roy threw his idea into the air. She knew it was inevitable but it scared her to go back there. She just nodded against Roys boney shoulder, nuzzling in, craving warmth.

\-----

The silence of the room was becoming deafening, daunting almost, and Adore considered going to meet the others in the lobby when the door clicked open gently.

"Dorey?"

A familiar Australian tone filled the room. Adore rushed from the bathroom to greet Courtney. She practically threw herself into the queens arms, almost toppling her over. She wrapped her golden sunkissed legs around Courtneys frame, holding her tight as if she felt she was about to ripped away again. She inhaled deeply, taking in her flowery scent. Courtney hugged back, ecstatic to be back with her 'Dorey'. Adore let her feet gently hit the floor, his mismatched socks sinking into the rug as she graspedCourtney's hands.

"I didn't miss you or anything, bitch" She smiled at the petite blonde opposite her.

"No, me neither." Courtney beamed at Adore, rubbing a thumb over her fingers. She loosened one perfectly groomed hand from Adores grip, placing the back of it to her forehead. She turned her hand, cupping her slightly stubbly cheek.

"They said you weren't feeling too good so I thought I'd come up and surprise you." Adores face dropped as that meant she'd spoken to the others- she'd spoken to Violet.

"Did Violet tell you what... what happened?" She gestured towards her own face, to her cheekbone, where the angry purple bruise lay on the burlesque beauty's face, signalling what she meant.

"No, I just thought Pearl had gotten tired of her brattiness." Adore was unsure whether to laugh or cry, opting to force a chuckle.

\-----

The door clicked open with a familiarity that wasn't comforting, unlike it normally was. The apartment was eerily quiet, a chill travelling down both of their spines. The door of the bathroom was closed, a forensic warning pinned upon the door.

Courtney knew more than anyone that she was gone, but part of her hoped Adore would just come bounding out of her room, singing something or other, her hair pinned in buns atop her head. Or to look out to the balcony and see her, leaning there, an expertly rolled joint between slender fingers, blowing the smoke out into the California air.

She leant against the kitchen counter, feeling sick and weak. Roy's eyes drew towards the fridge. A single sheet of paper hung there with a bright green magnet. Courtney followed his gaze, spotting it too. They both froze, as if there was a live grenade in its place. They read the first line and Courtney felt bile rise in her throat.

"Dear Courtney Koala and my B"

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 336 hits!? Thankyou so fucking much, I appreciate you all!
> 
> T.W for this chap//
> 
> Blood, implied self harm
> 
> (This fic is really really dark now so the next chapters are gonna be a little lighter)  
> (As light as you can get in a fic based around suicide)  
> (But still)

"Thanks for coming!"

Signing the poster and handing it back to the fan, Adore hugged the girl before she moved onto the next queen. This was the part of her job she loved- meeting the fans and seeing the difference she made. She stretched, hours of performing taking their toll. Her skin was suddenly met with an uncomfortable warmness. She looked down, seeing the cuff of her flannel shirt turning a deeper shade of crimson.

Fuck.

Her eyes darted frantically, searching for a bathroom. Feeling her chest begin to tighten, she spotted one across the way, dashing towards it. She threw herself against the door, rolling up her sleeves. Cold water served little comfort, the scarlet a stark contrast to the perfect white porcelain. Adore gritted her teeth, wincing as the water washed away the crimson, stinging at her skin like needles. The door opened suddenly, causing Adore to jump. A concerned Trixie looked at Adore, and to the sink. And back to Adore.

"It's not- its nothing." Adore stuttered over her words, pulling her wrist from the sink and shaking the excess water off it. She held it behind her back, already feeling blood trickle down onto her fingers.

Trixie approached Adore now. She gently took her arm, avoiding the wounds.

"Hey, hey. C'mon, let me help you." Adore felt tears pricking at the back of her eyes. Trixie had a wad of tissue, folded so it would be soft against Adores angry wrists. She looked to the queen, getting a soft uncertain nod from her. She yelped in pain as Trixie placed the tissue onto her wrist.

"Hold it there. I'll go get Michelle or someone." Adores eyes widened and she practically shouted the next words.

"No! No." She blinked up at Trixie, "Please." The last word was a helpless squeak. Trixie nodded softly,

"Not even Courtney?" Adore shook her head, facing the floor, almost ashamed.

"I promised I'd stopped. But, it's nothing, it's okay."

"That's not nothing, Adore." Trixie looked at Adore, seeing tears well up, uncertain if it was the physical pain or not. The two hadn't really talked much, but Trixie still liked Adore. A lot. "Talk to me."

At this, Adore fell into Trixies arms, sobbing into her chest. Trixie placed her arms around Adore, feeling her body shake with the sobs. She gently traced circles on her back, trying to offer some sort of comfort. Adore pulled back, sniffing, her breathing rapid. She tried to speak, the sentences a jumbled mess.

"Breathe, Adore. It's okay. There's noone else here, you're okay."

Trixie pulled the tissue away, seeing the blood beginning to clot. This move caused Adore to wince and Trixie felt her heart sink. She took a fresh tissue, gently dabbing at Adores cheeks and underneath her eyes. her experienced hand meant little of her makeup transferred onto the tissue. Adore sniffed again, her arm stinging raw.

Seeing that the blood had ceased, Adore pulled her sleeve back down, wincing again at the contact. Her voice was a helpless whisper.

"Please. Don't mention this to anyone. Not Courtney, not Katya, especially not Michelle, or they'll just send me home and make me go to a shitty therapist with a shitty fucking couch and it never wo-" Trixie grabbed Adores hand, rubbing a thumb over her knuckles softly.

"Not a word, I promise. Just, please, talk to me. Please?" Adore nodded weakly, knowing she was only lying to the both of them.

\-----

"Dear Courtney Koala and My B"

Roy's voice broke as he read the first line of the note.

"I can't fucking do this, it's still all too raw."

Courtney nodded solemnly, flipping the note over so Adores panicked scrawl lay flat against the walnut coffee table.

\-----

"Adore? Is everything alright?"

Courtney's voice carried through the hotel room, followed by a few moments silence before the younger queen emerged bare faced from the bathroom. She pulled down the sleeves of her soft grey hoodie, unknowingly borrowed from Courtneys suitcase.

"Yeah, I'm cool." Her eyes trailed, seeing her flannel shirt in Courtney's hands. The cuff was still stained a deep crimson, which was even more obvious since it had dried.

"You're also a liar. You're not okay at all, baby." She sat on the edge of the bed, coaxing Adore to do the same, which she did cautiously. "You don't have to do the tour, you know? If it's too much." Adore shook her head, as if Courtney had suggested something wildly unimaginable.

"I can't do that to the fans, Court." Adore rubbed the back of her neck, nervous.

"Think of yourself for once, Dorey." Courtney placed a hand on Adores shoulder, leading the young queen to wriggle from her touch.

"I'm fine. I promise it won't happen again. Yadda yadda." Courtney tilted her head at this.

"What? Oh, c'mon Court, don't pull that face at me." Adore rolled her eyes playfully. Courtney placed the flannel shirt on the bed besides them, taking Adores smaller hand in her own. Adore broke into a cold sweat, microscopic beads trailing across her forehead.

"Can I read your palm?" Adore furrowed her brow.

"You can do that?" Courtney nodded, visibly excited.

"Yeah, I learnt backstage at a Halloween gig. You'll never guess where" She smiled.

"Brizzy?" Adore questioned in a mock Australian accent. Courtney laughed at this, her laughter light and happy. Adore knew her all too well, knew all her weird stories were from Brisbane. Adore obediently turned her hand, revealing her soft palm, beaded slightly with sweat. Courtney looked over it, brushing a red nail around the lines and folds in Adores skin.

"Hmm. Okay. A loooong life line. Which is good, you have to outlive me because I want my funeral to be a punk rock shitfest."

Adore laughed hard at this, not so much at the joke but the fact Courtney was trying to hold in her laughter at her own joke. And failing, hugely.

\-----

"I can't believe this is real. I don't want to."

Courtney's finger hovered over the tweet button. Pressing it would send alerts to thousands of fans that the person they followed wasn't even the person tweeting anymore. They were all blissfully unaware of the two days of sheer hell Roy and Courtney had experienced. They looked at each other, then back to the tweet.

"Check for spelling." This was a lie. They'd read it over hundreds of times. Oxford scholars would be impressed with the picture perfect spelling. They just didn't want to accept that sending the tweet would mean Adore would never waltz through the apartment door again.

'It is with deep regret that we inform you all that Danny 'Adore Delano' Noriega has passed away. He left us for a better place on Nov 27th, leaving a huge hole in our mermaid hearts.

C&B'

Reading over once more, Courtney clicked tweet with shaking hands. That was it. Something about the tweet angered her slightly. The wording of it made it seem as though Adore had just slipped away, solemn and happy, as though she was simply falling asleep. That was bullshit, completely and utterly.

Adore was gone.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say I'm so fucking thankful for everyone who has read and left kudos on this work! I love you all so much and I'm so happy that my work has been received positively.

The tears fell, salty and bitter, no matter how much Courtney fought them. Night was slowly creeping over sunny L.A and there was a sombre mood over the apartment. The clock read 6pm yet it might as well have been midnight.

Courtney hated this feeling. Adore was gone, the only trace left an empty beercan or discarded bobby pin here and there. The left side of the bed still had her memory, the scent of musky soap and sweat still clinging to the fibres. The forensic experts had ruled no foul play, taken the body and left Courtney to pick up the pieces. That was it.

Roy noticed his friend, sobbing brokenly. He made his way over, pulling her hands from her face. He cupped Courtneys face in his own hands, the angry heat radiating into his palms. Courtney looked into Roy's eyes, her breath hiccuping. Courtney moved closer to Roy, suddenly pressing her lips into Roy's. He was shocked at first, eventually kissing back, tasting the saltiness on Courtney's soft lips. She pulled back, her hands resting on Roys waist. She swallowed her remaining tears back.

"I have to postpone the show tonight." She was so certain of her words and it took Roy back a little. Courtney had performed with all number of illness before, she hated to let people down and cancel shows.

Roy just nodded. Something told him neither of them would be performing anytime soon.

\-----

"Where's Fame?" Pearl finished the visual head count, noting the absence of the polished beauty queen.

"She went out for a walk, didn't she?" Trixie piped up, recalling her earlier conversation with Fame.

"Yeah. An hour and a half ago." Adore added to the discussion, sipping her beer straight from the icy glass bottle. Panicked looks suddenly passed round the group. Adore placed her beer on the table, rising from her seat. She nodded to Katya and Trixie.

"We should go search for her, it's getting late and we leave in the morning." Adore pulled on her leather jacket, brushing a hand through her messy dark curls. Katya patted Trixies back, signalling her to sit up from her space in Katyas lap. The trio stood up, before Violet started.

"If you don't call back in half hour, we're calling Michelle." Adore nodded vaguely, leaving with Katya and Trixie in tow.She

\-----

Roy had just fallen asleep on the sofabed when the door creaked, snapping him awake suddenly. He heard shuffling steps before the weight shifted next to him. Courtneys soft soapy scent filled his nose as she curled next to him. He felt a soft hand on his chest, as though she was grounding herself, clinging onto Roy for fear of losing him too. He let his arm pull her closer, feeling secure with her laid next to him. A small murmur came from next to him, muffled by the quilt Courtney was nestled under.

"I love you." Roy placed a kiss on her forehead, settling back into the pillow.

"I love you too."

Her breath slowed down again, becoming deep and restful. Roy closed his eyes now, trying to lull himself back to sleep, heat radiating from the resting figure beside him.

\-----

Trixie placed her phone back into her pocket.

"We've got 15 minutes until Violets calling Michelle." Katya and Adore nodded, as the group turned round the corner. Their steps echoed as they travelled, almost in sync. The cold air set in, the wind nipping at their noses and fingers.

A small figure was hunched against a wall, dishevelled and weeping. An iPhone lay next to the figure, the purple glitter case clarifying it belonged to Fame, a spidery crack covering the screen which was open to a contact. Trixie looked down. Fame had tried to call Pearl.

"Shit!" Trixie exclaimed a little louder than she first anticipated. Adore approached gently, crouching and placing a hand on the figures shoulder. Fame flinched, guarding her head.

"Hey, hey, its me." Katya crouched at the other side of Fame, Trixie picking up her phone and crouching in front. Fame lifted her head weakly, revealing a canvas of purple and deep red, some already drying into clotted patches. Katya reeled back, a tear forming.

"Shit, Fame, what happened?" Trixie began, watching as Fame opened her mouth, no words leaving before closing it again. "We should call an ambulance." Fame shook her head violently, wincing as she did so. Her eyes widened, the whites clearly visible.

"We're gonna have to get back somehow, Katya, call an Uber or something." Katya nodded, standing up with her phone in her hand. Fames breath was panicked and shallow as she shook. Adore was unsure if it was cold or sheer terror. She watched as their breath fogged and floated upwards. She pulled her jacket from her shoulders and draped it around Fame, the cold of the sidewalk absorbing through her jeans. Minutes seemed to turn to hours sat there, waiting for the drone of the Ubers engine to flood into the street.

 


	8. Chapter 8

"Fame, are you sure you don't wanna go to hospital?"

Fame adjusted the icepack on her cheek, shaking her head.

"No. No chance."

She stood up from the bed, staggering a little. As she almost lost her balance, Trixie held onto her, steadying her weight.

"At least tell us what happened, please?"

Adore tilted her head, her lips pouting slightly paired with the puppy dog eyes which all the queens found a weakness in. Fame wiped a mass of crusted blood from her nose, turning her attention to the mirror, a tear falling across and leaving a trail over a twisted canvas of blues, purples and reds. She shook her head again.

"It doesn't matter. It- it doesn't."

Fame shakily repeated her words, almost as though she was trying to convince herself. She turned to face the others, leaning back on the dressing table to support herself.

"I'm fine. I can still do makeup, I can still perform. It's fine."

\-----

6 hours since they'd announced Adores death to the world, Courtney and Roy found themselves inundated with messages, tributes, articles and downright disbelief and shock. They hadn't disclosed how Adore had left them, but many didn't need to be told.

Courtney scrolled lazily down her feed, reading the tweets which had been left. Her phone was in overdrive from the amount of notifications coming through. Tweets and text from queens from all seasons of Drag Race came in by the minute, mixed with messages from fans completely confused and torn apart that their idol was no longer walking the Earth.

The silence of the apartment was becoming deafening and Courtney felt a pang of relief as the door handle dropped with a click. Roy entered, dropping his jacket haphazardly over the back of the armchair. He poured himself a drink of some description before settling himself on the sofa.

"The funerals on Monday. That gives anyone who cares enough time to get here, four days." He gulped his drink.

"Yeah, yeah. Yep, that should work" Courtney thought for a moment. "Do you want me to send out the invites?" She swallowed hard, cringing a little at her words. You normally send out invites to fun shit, like parties or high school reunions. Courtney shook the thunder from her mind, shakily typing out a text to the first queen on her list- Alaska.

\-----

The queens boarded the bus, most immediately gravitating to their bunks. The hours had ticked away and the clock read almost 6pm but three solid days of performance had left even the most seasoned queens on physical and emotional cruise control. Quiet snores droned around the bus, mixing with the hum of the engine. Violet and Adore sat at the table, scrolling absentmindedly on their phones. Violet placed hers onto the table, the clatter causing Adores head to shoot up quickly.

"Can we talk?" Adore thought for a moment before placing her phone down too. She settled back in her seat, crossing her arms.

"Depends what about."

"I need your advice." Violets tone was solemn, a vulnerability about her which Adore had never seen. It almost frightened her to see the normally intimidating queen so weakened.

"Okay, what about?" Adore tilted her head, genuinely listening.

"I.." She lowered her voice a little, despite the other queens obviously oblivious, deep in sleep. " I think Pearl is cheating on me. "

Adore opened her mouth to speak, multiple ideas sparking in her brain before fizzling away. She leaned her elbows on the table.

"What? With who?" She looked up to the other queen, watching her eyes become shiny with tears.

"Katya." Adore gasped at this, her eyes wide.

" No! No way! " Violet swatted her arm, glaring at her.

"Jesus, Adore, you'll wake the dead!" Adore covered her mouth with her hand, before leaning her elbows back onto the table.

"Shit, Violet, I'm sorry. Do...does Trixie know?" Violet shook her head, a tear falling. Adore grabbed her hands over the table, feeling them shake in her grasp.

"Hey, hey. It's gonna be alright, yeah?"

Violet was avoiding eye contact, as though she was avoiding entirely the fact she was showing emotion. Adore reached up, planting a kiss on Violets salty cheek. Violet turned, her cheek burning up into a scarlett blush. Subconsciously, she found herself leaning to Adore, their lips meeting. Adore brushed a hand over Violets cheek, her fingers becoming damp with bitter tears. They pulled back for air and Adore found a tightness in her chest. It was soon replaced by a warm feeling, one of satisfaction.

Violets breathing was funny as she looked into Adores eyes. She looked down at the table almost shamefully. She pulled her hands from Adores grasp and held her head in them, trembling a little.

"What the fuck am I gonna do, Adore?" She was displaying a frightening vulnerability, a shell of her normally bitchy exterior. A curtain suddenly pulled back, causing Violets head to snap up nervously. Trixie approached them, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge from behind where Adore sat. Violet took this as an excuse to go to sleep, faking a yawn and making her way to her bunk.

"Can I sit?" Adore nodded as Trixie placed herself in the seat opposite. Her last encounter with the heavily made up doll had been one full of panic and mistrust, but Adore knew Trixie had kept her word. She pulled her sleeves over her hands nervously, causing an eyebrow raise from Trixie.

"I didn't say a word, I promise." She looked a little hurt but Adore just nodded.

"I know you didn't. But Courtneys smart, she knew anyway." Trixie nodded slowly , seeing tears glistening in the dull light of the bus.

"I just care about you, you know?"

"I know, I know... it's just, being here, normally Bianca helps me through all this bullshit but she's miles away." Adore was fiddling with her phone , letting it turn between her fingers and hit the table at its already scratched corners. Trixie nodded.

"I can't imagine being away from someone you depend on that long. The first days Katya was on tour were hell."

Adore swallowed the lump in her throat. She desperately wanted to hold Trixie tight, tell her that Katya didn't need Trixie as much as Trixie needed her. She couldn't do that, of course, but the pain in her chest grew as she listened to Trixie talk about the mock Russian, her words full of heartbursting love and light.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 666 hits? Well, I'm shook and slightly concerned.
> 
> This chapter focusses a lot on Miss Fame but Adore is still there, dont worry.
> 
> The second half of it is very Adore based, after we flashback to the present day.
> 
> Thankyou for all thr support, I appreciate you all!

The intro video began and the crowd cheered with each queen who appeared. The queens stood backstage, waiting for their cue and adrenaline flowed freely through each of their veins. Fame felt a tight knot in her stomach, hearing the fans cheer and scream. Hearing them shout took her back to that night, the night she had felt ashamed to be Fame. Adore, noticing Fame's nervousness, placed a hand on her shoulder, smiling at her as she turned.

"You got this." She mouthed to the queen who was trembling slightly. Fame took a deep breath, steadying herself. Bruises were easily covered by a talented artist such as herself, but the mental scars still stayed and Fame was unsure if she'd make it through the show. Despite all this, she was determined not to let down those who had paid, considering how angry Violet had gotten at Adore for messing up something people had paid money to see.

The music began and the queens got into position. Fame felt the knot in her stomach tighten as the lights came up, burning onto Fames skin. In this light, she was scared that the events of the other night would be visible under her thick paint. This choreography was something she could do in her sleep, a fairly short routine but here it felt like an hour. The lights burned. The shouting hurt. The steps ached. The room spun. Hands reached, brushing at her ankles and her soft palms. These were friendly hands but they brought back the twisted reality, the harsher hands which had invaded her life were all she could think about. The song was ending but Fame couldn't stay onstage any longer. 

She found herself running. Her heels clicked behind her, echoing in her ears. She pushed past crew members, throwing open the door to her dressing room. She gripped the trashcan in white knuckles, heaving out whatever measly portions of food she had in her stomach. Unwillingly, her hands trembled. She gasped for breath, the air feeling thin in her lungs. There was a knock at the door and Fame found herself sobbing, the soft knocking amplified into menacing bangs in her mind. A crew member slowly opened the door, seeing Fame collapsed in floods of tears. She heard the words "panic attack" thrown about but was too terrified of sick memories to care. Exhausted, she fell against the wall, drawing her knees to her chest and pushing the heels of her hands into her eyes, gasping for laboured breath, smudging layers and layers of illusion. Fame was melting away. 

Adore appeared at the door, her long blue wig cascading in her face. 

"Fame?" She cautiously entered the room, approaching the trembling queen leant against the wall. She knelt in front of her, placing a hand on her knee. She flinched from the touch as though it burned. She peeped out from her hands, eyeliner and glitter painting a griefstricken canvas over her soft palms.

"It's me. It's me. Take your time." Fame looked up at the grunge queen, scars and bruises now revealed for all to see. 

" I'm - I'm sorry.. " She gasped out these words, covering her eyes with her hands as though she was trying to hide and block out anyone who cared enough to see her. 

"For what, babe?" Adores words were soft and gentle, as she adjusted to sit cross legged opposite Fame.

"I ran- every.. everyone's gonna- get pissed.." Adore could hear the crowds cheering, hearing the music sounding the interval.

"Baby, no. No. They'll understand. It's okay." Fame was trying to slow her breathing, pushing slightly matted red hair out of her bleary eyes. Adore reached over, pulling a few bobby pins away. The wig slid off and Adore draped it over the chair settled at the vanity. The door creaked slightly. A tiny frame of ginger hair and black tulle appeared, a concerned look painted on her face. Fame nestled her heas in her hands again.

"Hey, Jinkx." Adore turned, squinting up at the queen in the florescent , slightly yellow lighting. Jinkx handed her a water bottle, signalling to Fame. She okay?, she mouthed. Adore nodded back, smiling as the door creaked closed again. Fame looked up, as Adore opened her arms. Sure enough, the glamour queen nestled into her chest, breathing in her scent. Adore wrapped her arms around her, feeling her shake. 

"You're okay. You're okay. It's okay."

\-----

Courtney basked in the LA sun, feeling it hit her face for the first time in a straight week. Her hand gripped her vegan latte tighter than she probably realised. Deciding not to open wounds too soon, she sat outside Starbucks, not having the heart to go to the little quaint coffee shop Adore had introduced her to. A figure suddenly appeared beside her. She looked up, seeing an attractive blonde stood tall. 

"This seat taken?" Courtney shook her head, watching as Katya sat down gently. 

"Hey, Katya." The mock Russian adjusted the cap upon her head, rubbing her eyes a little.

"I nearly asked how life is, but those eye bags don't hide shit, honey." Courtney smiled weakly at Katyas adorable attempt to lighten the mood. She sipped her latte.

"Yeah, this is the first I've seen the sun in bloody ages." Katya sipped the RedBull in her hand, shooting a "yeah, I've been there" look towards the beach blonde Aussie. She wasn't sure what to say, noting the fresh ring of tears below Courtneys eyes, hastily wiped before she exposed her true feelings to the world.

"I'm just shocked, y'know? Like the tour seemed to go okay for her, after her spat with Violet." Courtney visibly almost spat her latte, her brows furrowed.

"Violet, what happened with Violet?" Katya sighed.

"What didn't fucking happen with Violet? The first night she was having a go at Adore, then she turned on her for being honest." It suddenly clicked for Courtnet and she placed a hand on Katyas.

"The Pearl thing? With Tr..." She trailed off, thinking that that name might hold fresh wounds for Katya. She solemnly nodded.

"Yeah. Adore found herself in the middle of it all." Courtney nodded, a shiver travelling down her spine.

\-----

Adore and Fame approached the hotel, at the back of the group, arm in arm. Pearl and Violet were faintly arguing but Adore couldn't tell what they were saying.

"Look, Violet, you're so fucking touchy! Just get off my dick for once!" Pearl was gesturing with her arms, faintly recalling her infamous 'Pearl Smash'. 

"Funny, considering you can't stay off Katya's dick!" Silence fell over the group as Pearl gasped, stepping back a little bit. The words fell like an atom bomb and there was no taking them back. 

"Fucking excuse me?" It was Pearl who broke the silence, her face blushing red. Violets rage grew yet again.

"Fuck, Pearl! You don't think I notice the glances, the casual ass squeezes?" The words seemed to catch in her throat as Trixie snatched her hand from Katyas. Tears brimmed in the barbie queens eyes as she turned to the sculpted Russian.

"What the fuck? Is this true?!" Katya found herself speechless. Adore stepped forward, making sure Fame was safely with Alaska. 

"Guys, this isn't the pla-"

"Well, Adore, enlighten me. Where is the place?" Trixie glared, a fury inside her that none of the queens had ever seen before. Pearl spoke next,

"I don't know where the fuck these lies are coming from, are you fucking insane Violet?!" 

"Everyone can tell! Even Adore said she's seen the way you are with Katya." All the attention fell to Adore. "Haven't you?"

"No." Fuck. Violet turned to her, fully facing the young queen. She lifted her hand, about to strike Adore. 

"For fucks sake! Why are you lying for that slut?!" Adore flinched with a heartbreaking familiarity, protecting her head.

"I...I don't... I didn't see anything." Adores words were broken. Pearl grabbed Violets arm.

"Fucking leave her alone. She's not into your fucking insane games!" 

The slap echoed around the car park and the cold air stung at Pearls cheek. Violet recoiled, looking at her hand as though it was the deadliest sin known to man. pearl placed a hand to her cheek, her mouth open but no words forming.

"Shit! I...I..." 

She turned and ran for the hotel doors, pushing them open with all the force her small frame could muster, leaving the other queens in shock. Adore looked to Pearl, then Trixie, then to Katya. Suddenly she felt as though she was shrinking, a stupid child caught in the adults world. Why had she frozen? Why, why, why?


	10. 10

Adore rubbed her eyes gently, the hum of the engine and the sleeping breaths of the other queens the only soundtrack. She clicked her phone to life. 

3:47am.

Well, she was awake now anyway. A heavy mix of alcohol lingered on her tongue and in her head as she made her way to the living area of the bus. 

She was shocked to see Violet sat up, biting nervously at what once had been a perfectly polished red nail. She stared out of the window, at nothing in particular, just into the deep abyss of the night. Adore crept past, Violet distracted. She took a water bottle from the fridge, only to stumble and drop it. Violets head snapped to face her suddenly.

"Hey." Violet sniffed a little. "C'mere." Violets arms were open wide, hands gripping at the sleeves of a comfy grey sweater. Adore, still admittedly a little tired, stumbled over and let herself fall into Violets arms. 

The younger queen had avoided pretty much everyones gaze since they left the hotel but she clearly had come to her senses, since the Europe tour began soon and she couldn't ignore absolutely fucking everyone for 4 months, right? 

"I felt like I had to apologise to you after .. that .." Adore nestled into Violets chest, enjoying the warmth.

"Nah, its cool. I probably would've gone the whole way and fought , so props for control I guess?" Adore grinned and Violet could tell this in the weak light, mustering a weak laugh.

"Is it really me you should be apologising to though?" Adores words hung in the warm air of the bus as Violet inhaled deeply.

"Why would I apologise to Pearl? Fuck her. She's not even going to Europe and I hope I never see her again."

"C'mon bitch, you don't mean that"

"Yes I do."


End file.
